Author: Bradley Kallas

 

I was thinking the other day about how we all think differently. And we all think differently, largely, according to the worldview we hold. Much of how we think is determined by how we view the world at large. Our core beliefs govern how we view everything else. And it’s surprising how some of these things come out in the most trivial of matters, or seem to.

I’ve played pool, off and on, with a friend of mine recently. Apparently, we differ in our views in the way the game should be played. And I’ll admit I have a tendency to make some lucky shots. This seems to be a source of some consternation for my friend. There was one game we played where he made me call every shot, to which I gladly obliged. I don’t mind as long as the rules are made plain from the beginning. I don’t remember the outcome of the game. But I say, “Play the game and let the chips fall where they may.” But recently there was another time when we played and I made a slop shot that I didn’t intend to go in the way it did. He immediately said, “Doesn’t count.” I said, “What? Why not? I would have given it to you.” He responded, “I don’t care.” I thought, “OK, never mind.” So, I left it at that. I know a lot of people who play pool this way. They don’t like lucky shots. And I understand that to some degree.

What didn’t occur to me at the time, but became apparent later was a moment of insight. (So, if you play pool like this, don’t get mad. I just thought it was an interesting thought exercise.) I was thinking about how inconsistent that line of thinking is when being compared to any game that is played. I wonder, “Would they still apply that same rule to the game of basketball? What about baseball? How about hockey?” See, there are many other sports where you can get just as lucky as you would at the game of pool. But I doubt anyone would think of recalling any of those shots. Whether you want to call it luck, or divine providence, it’s all a part of the game. For those who don’t like shots involving luck, the line of thinking is, “Well, you didn’t mean for that to go in the way it did. Therefore, it doesn’t count”. But regardless of whether or not I intended it to go in that particular way, I did intend for it to go in. The way it happened is immaterial.
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Let’s extend this to matters of a little greater importance. Let’s say there’s a person who starts a new business. He doesn’t know all that’s involved from the beginning, but he does the best he can. He learns and applies himself to the enterprise and is able to maintain some level of success. But then he accidentally runs into an acquaintance, or an old friend, who is able to give him an important piece of insight, or help him in some way. This becomes a game-changer and he now has a wildly successful business. So, would those who don’t like luck in the game of pool apply the same line of thinking to this situation? Would they be willing to say, “Your success doesn’t count. That was luck.” I would say it’s doubtful. Well, maybe some would. But that’s another matter.

See, when you get into the matter of determining another person’s intentions, you’re getting into a whole new realm. We’re just human beings. We can’t judge another person’s intentions. Going further, we can’t judge another person’s heart. I believe that’s the logical fallacy that comes into play in matters like hate crimes legislation. Many times we don’t think of how something seems to be right. But when we truly examine it in a consistent manner, and in light of truth, that thought process kind of dissipates into thin air. And we find out that what we believed to be true really had no basis in fact.

…Let’s go deeper

 

 

 

The idea of perfect has changed somewhat for me. The reason is because I used to think that everything had to be perfect. You find out that’s just not how life is. It’s pretty messy sometimes. I guess I try to no longer aim for perfect. At least, I don’t aim for it by its normal definition. So, maybe I’ve just redefined what perfect means.

I’ve found myself so obsessing over whether things are perfect that it ends up making nothing perfect. That’s because you become so stressed out about everything. For instance, even when I’m writing these posts I have become obsessed over getting things just right. But then I learned it wasn’t about the writing being perfect. It was about the writing being heartfelt and honest. I guess that’s my new definition of perfect. Perfect is what comes out of a perfect heart.
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I’ve also found it useful not to over-edit myself. The reason is because sometimes you end up losing the purity of the writing by trying to make it too perfect. It’s OK to polish it a bit. And making sure you take care of those grammatical errors is always a good idea. I admit, I’ve too often overlooked my grammar in my writing. But the point I’m making is that in trying to polish it too much you might lose some of the impact you’re trying to make. That’s why I believe it’s important not to make it too perfect.

Some of those quirky mistakes can even be appealing sometimes. It helps people relate to you. It lets them know you’re still human. And not even just mistakes, but some of those things that we might be afraid to say because we don’t know how the other person might take them. I’ve been known to filter out a lot of what I want to say just out of fear of how the other person will receive it. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes this can be a good thing. However, there are other times where we just need to come out and say it. When we do that we will garner some respect from people. I’ve found myself doing this more and more. I’ve been doing it more when I’m writing, I guess. But I catch myself sometimes thinking, “Should I say that?” or “Should I say it like that?” Then I just think, “Why not?” Just say it and let the chips fall where they may.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is to just try to say and do things from a perfect heart. We could theoretically do things perfectly in action and entirely miss the meaning behind it. Don’t try to make it perfect in the traditional sense. Just try to make it perfect because it’s a perfect expression of your heart.

…Let’s go deeper

 

It’s interesting to me sometimes how we can easily become disconnected from reality. We tend to believe what we want to believe. Our preconceived notions and what we want to be true come into play. And the truth gets lost somewhere because of this.

What are the things you believe that aren’t in line with truth just because you’re not willing to believe them? Have you ever asked yourself this question? It takes some amount of bravery to even ask yourself this sometimes. But when we really get down to it and find out what we believe, and why, we can really be surprised. There are times this only happens when we have reached the end of ourselves and we have nowhere else to look other than to find out what is really true. It can be scary. But it’s the most liberating thing that can happen for us. Denial is often our greatest enemy. It’s only when we begin to get real and honest with ourselves that we begin to win in life. You can’t face a problem you don’t know you have.
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Sometimes it’s not a matter of some truth that we’re not willing to face about ourselves. Sometimes it’s just a general truth we’re not willing to accept. Someone can present us with truth. But if we’re not willing to accept it, it doesn’t do us any good. It’s like the saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” Not just true of horses, I guess. What’s true of horses can sometimes be true of us. I think of a stubborn mule whose owner is trying to lead him in the right direction, but he won’t budge. And the owner is trying to do what’s best for him. So, the mule isn’t only being stubborn, but dumb.

But what are the barriers to this? I would say that one barrier is a lack of trust. We don’t trust that a full embrace of truth will lead to a better life for us. Another barrier is that we like to create our own reality rather than live in the one with which we’re presented. I think in some ways that’s the definition of insanity. Don’t get mad. I’m just saying. But we’ve all done it to some degree. I think part of what fits the definition of a healthy persona is someone who accepts what they are presented with, yet tackles life head on. They accept truth no matter how difficult it may be for them to accept. But they don’t just sit there either. They do something with the knowledge they have. And because they are willing to see a clear picture of things they can accurately identify and resolve whatever they face. They know what they have to do because they know the truth. This is when things start to turn around for you. And this is when you begin to see the wisdom of a full embrace of the facts.

…Let’s go deeper

 

You know, I find that the times when I get the most short-tempered and cranky around other people are the times when I’m either not feeling well, or when I’m just tired. This might go without saying for a lot of us because we can generally all relate. But I think it’s important to recognize when this is happening.

The reason I think we need to be conscious of this behavior is not only for our sake, but for other’s sake as well. Keeping a positive attitude doesn’t just help other people. It helps us too. Although other people might show a great deal of appreciation for us not exposing them to their grumpiness. That’s the thing about a bad attitude, it can spread like an infection. One person’s in a bad attitude, then it rubs off on the next. So, you get short with one person and then that person wonders, “Why was he so mean to me? Now I’m getting upset thinking about what they’re so cranky about.”

The great thing is that we have choices. We can not only choose to not let someone else’s bad attitude affect us, but we can also choose to not allow our own negative emotions to rub off on someone else. And that’s easier said than done. It’s definitely a fight and a struggle to not allow our feelings to dictate our actions. But that’s a personal growth opportunity for us. As children we were often totally in subjection to our feelings. But as we get older we have the benefit of maturity and wisdom to realize that we don’t have to allow our feelings to run us. We can keep our feelings in check, so to speak.
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Not only do we have the option of not allowing our bad attitude to rub off on others, we have the option of allowing a positive attitude to rub off on others. Instead of having a negative influence, we can have a positive one. There’s someone at my work that has as their e-mail tagline, “Smile. It will make someone’s day better.” I like the sound of that. As simple as that sounds, I think we too many times underestimate the impact that can have on someone.

I believe when we are able to overcome these things is when we are showing some personal growth and reflecting a more mature person to others. The thing that stands out to me the most in all this is how much easier it is for me to say than it is for me to do. It all sounds real good in theory. But it’s in actually doing it where things fall apart. We can think, “It sounds so simple, but why is it so hard to do?” Well, it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s something we have to work on. But as we work on it we get more adept at it.

…Let’s go deeper

 

I think it’s a problem we have today where no one feels free to admit they have problems. We feel a compulsion to confess things are all ‘OK’ even when they clearly are not. The dangers in this are two-fold. For one, it makes us feel isolated and alone like we are facing the world all by ourselves. Secondly, it also contributes to a denial and inability to face reality in our lives.

I think we get so much into presenting a positive face to other people that we are generally afraid to admit that things aren’t going that great. That we have some problems in our lives. So, I write the title of this article in jest. Please don’t take that as being intended as literal. Of course, most of us would deny the idea that we don’t have the right to have problems. But that’s how we live our lives many times. We think that it’s rather uncouth to admit to any kind of difficulty in our lives. Just put on a brave face and move on. But if that’s how we live, then how is someone who has legitimate struggles and concerns supposed to begin to open up and deal with those things. I would say that it’s this attitude and mindset that has led to people holding back and refraining from seeking help from someone else. To be honest, how many people do you think really feel like they can be honest and open about some area of their life where they’re having a problem? Many of these things remain withheld from other people to the point that the problem never gets addressed. So, if it never gets addressed it never gets resolved and ends up getting worse.

I would say that it’s this reticence we have to opening up to someone that has led to the prevalence and even propagation of issues in our lives. Much of this centers around having someone we are comfortable enough with which to open up. This is why we each need someone we feel close enough to that we feel we tell them anything. Thankfully, many of us have those people in our lives. But unfortunately there are many of us who do not. To those people, I would say that they might have to get very real with the person they are closest to. They might have to just take the risk of stepping out and saying, “I know we don’t normally talk about deep things. But I’m wondering if you can indulge me as I share something that I’m dealing with. I just ask that you withhold judgement as I get real in facing my problems.”
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I know this isn’t an easy proposition for many people. But I think it’s a necessary one. In order for us to begin to gain a grasp on what we’re dealing with we may have to find that someone who is willing to listen. And I’m not saying this is the be all and end all of solving our problems. But I think it can be an important starting point in beginning to define them.

…Let’s go deeper

 

 

Making the most of opportunities is really what life is all about. Opportunities pass us by every day. There are two qualities we need to capitalize on them—the vision to recognize them and the courage to seize hold of them.

I would say the successful people are the ones who see opportunity for what it is. And maybe the problem for many of us is that we don’t always see what’s in front of us as opportunity. Because sometimes we are facing problems but they are really opportunities in disguise. Maybe that’s the difference between a successful person and the one who’s not. One person can look at a situation and see opportunity and another person can look at the same situation and only see a problem. I think that’s how a successful investor looks at a down market. They don’t see that as a reason to run for the hills. Instead they see it as an opportunity to buy and get great value for their dollar. It’s a rule of good investing that the best time to buy is when others are running the other way and the best time to sell is when everyone else is buying. It’s counterintuitive. I think this general idea helps illustrate the idea of recognizing opportunity.
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Another thing about opportunity is that it doesn’t do us any good unless we grab a hold of it. The opportunity either passes us by or we grab hold of it and capitalize on it. Seize the day, as the saying goes. So, recognizing opportunities as they appear is important. But that’s not to say that we just sit by and wait for opportunities. Sometimes we need to just go out and create our own opportunities. That’s being proactive. If we’re not seeing any opportunities, then sometimes we need to just begin to move. As we begin to move in a certain direction I believe we will start to see some opportunities. Sitting at home and doing nothing will not afford you with many opportunities. That’s why we need to just begin to move. That can be really difficult when we are feeling down or depressed. But sometimes we run upon our greatest opportunities when we just begin to move even when we don’t feel like it.

We need to develop a vision so that we recognize opportunity when it is in front of us. I don’t want to live a life of missed opportunities. I believe as I pay attention I will recognize opportunities and as I begin to move I will see even more opportunities. Probably the biggest obstacle for me grabbing those opportunities is fear. But if I can just move through the fear the world will begin to open up before me like never before. The more I take hold of these opportunities the easier it will become. And the more opportunities I grab the more opportunities I will see open up before me.

…Let’s go deeper

 

Do you remember fighting with your siblings when you were still at home? I suppose we all do. Usually, at some point, your parents would end up getting after you. And most parents are especially vigilant in reprimanding their kids if they start fighting in public.

In applying this to a broader context, I thought about how we often see people on the same side of an issue start attacking each other for little things. This happens in political parties, religious affiliations, and just people who are generally like-minded on an issue. The down-side of these intramural tiffs is that it looks bad to the opposition and also weakens your position when trying to present it to them. I think the most visible example of this happening right now is in the Republican primary race. In this case, it’s not just the bickering back and forth, but the large body of participants making it especially noticeable and visible to everyone. That’s a large family to be fighting out in public. It’s a bit of a media circus. And unfortunately some of the fights being engaged by these candidates (on a scale of maturity) equate with some of the ones we had with our siblings when we were 12-years old.
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I think there are a number of negatives to this scenario. One is that you end up pounding on each other to such a degree that when it comes time to face your real enemy you don’t have much fight left in you. Another is that you’ve diminished your own positions in-house to such a degree that when you get to the real battle field you have greater difficulty defending your own points. Now when you get out to face the enemy from without all the major arguments against have already been made from within. Besides making you look ridiculous, now all your opposition has to do is point to the fights you engaged in within your own camp. Your opposition doesn’t even have to make compelling arguments anymore. They can just simply say, “I refer you to exhibit A”, as they point to the mud-slinging match you had with your own “brother”. Then you have to slink your head in shame as you have to admit that you see their point.

When reflecting on our petty quarrels we had with our own siblings, I suppose the reason our parents expressed such concern over our public arguments was that it reflected poorly on them. And rightly so. The thought from others was most likely, “Can’t you keep a better handle on your kids? What’s the matter with you?” Conversely, if you display solidarity from within your own family it makes you look like you have your act together. And it gives you legitimacy in the community at large. I think it’s easy to overlook how ridiculous we can appear to other people sometimes. We can often find that these internal battles aren’t worth fighting.

…Let’s go deeper

 

 

It’s interesting when you realize that we all approach things in life with a certain world view in mind. When we hear someone talk to us or, hear something on the radio, or TV, we see that idea presented through a certain lens. Sometimes this can keep us from coming to a knowledge of the truth.

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One of the greatest obstacles to you seeing the truth of something, or you conveying a truth to someone else, is a false belief system that is already in place in that person’s mind. And this is true if for only this one reason: The person with the false belief system will automatically be on the defensive because they will feel the need to defend their positions. The unfortunate thing is that this is often done by that person even at the expense of what they would willingly have to admit is true. So, they will hold their positions even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. This is known as intellectual dishonesty. It’s holding a position at all costs even when you know that it’s been proven wrong and you’ve lost that ground, for all intents and purposes. I would suspect that we’ve all witnessed this happening. And we have all likely done it ourselves. This is why we will often see two people engaged in a debate and both of them leaving without any change in the positions held before. How many times have you seen a debate end where one of them says, “You know what? You made an excellent point on this topic. You’ve totally changed my mind.” Yeah, I can’t remember that happening either. Obviously we know that two people with ideas in direct opposition to one another can’t both be right on everything. Someone has to be wrong on something.

But an honest pursuit of truth has to include a desire of wanting to know truth no matter where it may lead. I think that it’s important to find out whether the person we’re talking with has an attitude like this. And if it’s the case that it’s us being presented with an idea, we have to ask the same question of ourselves. Now, I don’t honestly expect someone who has held certain beliefs for 30-some years to be convinced of their error in only one day. It can often be a gradual process. And it’s all in the attitude of the presenter as well. If you approach someone with the attitude of winning the argument, you can win the argument but end up losing the person. So, you have to ask yourself, “Do you want to win the argument, or do you want to win the person?” This often takes humility on both sides. Sometimes our pride easily gets in the way of reaching people. It can easily happen. But what would happen if we saw ourselves in that other person? What If we just approached them the way we were before we knew something to be true?

…Let’s go deeper

 

The difficult thing about truth is that there is only one truth. So, in looking for the truth, we can find it but then there can be some error mixed in. So, the challenge becomes filtering out the error from what we know to be true.

I find this often to be the case when watching the news. I generally have to watch it with the idea in mind that they are delivering it with a certain ideological bent. And it can happen that way from either end of the ideological spectrum. Someone can be telling a true story, but telling it to you with a certain perspective added to it. That’s when we can be influenced by someone else’s ideas. Discerning the truth involves using a filtering system to weed out the error that tries to attach to the truth. And therein lies the challenge. Outright lies are easy to detect. But good deception mixes truth with error so that it’s difficult to tell the difference.

One important component in identifying the truth means having a belief system that is based on truth. Some things we can know are true because they are verifiably true. We know that they are true because they have stood the test of time. One interesting thing I’ve discovered in discerning truth involves new theories or ideas being presented that challenge current commonly held wisdom. It’s a general rule-of-thumb that I’ve found to be good to apply to those situations. And it’s this: If the new theory being presented brings up more questions than it answers, it should automatically become suspect. I’m not saying to dismiss it out-of-hand. But if under further examination you find that it just begins to fall apart, then it’s good to dismiss it and hold on to what you have in hand.
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When you have a belief system that is based on truth it can stand the test of time. You don’t have to wonder if it’s true. You can tell most things are true because you’ve examined them to find out. Some people believe things because they like to believe them and because they sound good to them. But they’ve never fully examined them. If they had taken the time to examine those things they could have come to a different conclusion. In those cases, they just hear a theory and think, “Well, that sounds pretty good. Let’s go with that.” But they don’t realize that just because it sounds good doesn’t make it true.

Today, more than ever, it’s important that we have good skills at filtering out the error from what we are hearing. And the best way to detect a lie is by first having a good grasp on truth. Did you know that they don’t train cashiers to detect counterfeit money by showing them all the different counterfeit money? They just make sure they have a good knowledge and understanding of what the real thing looks like. Then they can easily detect a counterfeit because they are so familiar with the truth.

…Let’s go deeper

 

One thing we all desire is to be understood by others. If we’re not understood by everyone, then we at least want to be understood by someone. And for many of us, a spouse, sibling, or a close friend provide that for us.

We seem to have this innate desire to be understood by someone. Understanding provides for us a point of connection with others. It allows us to feel close to others. We find many times that others understand us best when they have been through similar experiences. That’s why self-help groups often involve people dealing with the same problems. It’s probably what you would call empathy. We can feel other people’s cares and concerns in that way. I suppose that’s why counselors try to provide as welcoming an environment as they can. We feel safe when understood. And when we feel safe we are more willing to share what’s on our hearts. A good environment provides a safe place for us to share what’s bothering us. We don’t want to open up when we feel judged by someone else. If we have a friend we can talk to that allows us to fully express our thoughts and feelings—good, bad, or indifferent—we have a productive place where we can work through some of our personal problems. And it’s usually only in an environment like that where these things can be properly addressed and resolved.

We don’t always realize how powerful it can be to just show understanding to someone else. It’s kind of like providing fertile soil for a new garden. You pull out all the weeds and then you can get started on growing some good stuff. And that should be everyone’s goal. It’s not that we want to talk about problems to an endless degree and in perpetuity. We want to, at some point, start talking about the solution. But I guess recognizing the problem is half the battle. And it’s often in these safe environments where we feel understood that we can start to recognize the problem. Sometimes we don’t even realize what the problem is until we start to verbalize it. That other person can be there as a sounding board, and they can even begin to help us to identify the problem. That’s at least a start.
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I’ve realized in my own life how important it is for me to be understood. It’s probably a founding block of a lot of my relationships. If I don’t feel understood by someone there’s probably not much of a basis for a relationship there. There’s not a real connection there when you don’t feel that other person gets you. So, you usually end up moving on. I guess one thing it does is it lets us know that we’re not alone. Other people feel, think, and act in some of the same ways that you do. Then we realize that some of those things aren’t as foreign as we thought. We can easily end up feeling isolated until we begin to let some of these things out.

…Let’s go deeper